Giving Love Some Space to be Celebrated

If I am honest, it has been difficult for me to have fun. Which seems counterintuitive because I feel this deep sense of joy in my life, overall. I have two absolutely beautiful children and I am about to marry the man that is everything I could ever want in a partner and so much more. It almost feels miraculous some days. But there is a difference in fun and joy. Before I had cancer, I had a lot of fun in the day to day. I was in my twenties, I had a lot of time and energy to do the things I wanted. But big picture, something was always missing. Then when Marge and I got diagnosed with cancer, I just held on to whatever I could until the storm passed. And that took awhile. 

After meeting Josh, It is reversed. Big picture, I have everything I could ever ask for. Josh and the girls have taught me so much about how deep joy can be. However, having fun in the day-to-day is something I am working on. Carefree fun is no longer in my realm of being. And I think that is OK. I am just a lot different than I was before. And my idea of fun has changed.

I feel as though my body and mind have run through a marathon ever since I turned 30 with that cancer diagnosis and I had to sprint through that marathon instead of keeping at a healthy pace. The rhythm I adapted to during that trauma, has been difficult to shake. It was like I was grasping and searching for solid ground while not being able to reach it. Or breathe at all.

I have worked hard to land somewhere stable. And I have. But I have to admit, I don't entirely trust it all.  And when that feeling is there; I can get anxiety around work and my perfectionism can take over to a very stifling degree. I have found that when I don't write everyday, my anxiety gets the best of me. Or if I don't perfect my curriculum for work and have to wing something, I get anxiety. I have been working, writing, trying to work out, plan a wedding, and being a mom, and keeper of our home and it has become too much. And I can feel myself trying to do it all in such a short amount of time. 

So my intentions for the rest of the summer are to enjoy getting ready for our wedding. I also want to enjoy this school year with my students too. Instead of feeling like students keep coming in my space while I am working; I want to instead give them space to be seen, heard, and build relationships with them. And if my curriculum isn't perfectly written or planned out, oh well. I need to feel like the daily grind isn't such a grind anymore. I just want to have a little fun and be present of the interactions I have with people. Whether it be my family, friends, or students.

This summer is the first summer I haven't had a baby or had surgery in almost eight years. It is almost August and I feel like I already let most of July go by with my need to achieve, be productive, and get everything done in one day. So I decided to enjoy the process of planning our wedding because I would not be where I am without Josh. Things fell into place quickly after I met him and I need to start believing in life's magic. Because life has been so magical when I have showed up. And I have showed up. I just need to trust that everything I am showing up for will happen in due time. So I am going to take August to plan our wedding and if I don't do all the other things I thought were going to happen this summer, know that this was the most important thing to give energy to. Because none of the other things would mean anything without my family. And this love I have found is worth celebrating.